The Meaning Of Love
by tinylexie
Summary: Lucius learns about love from various people in his life. Includes Abraxas, Voldemort, Severus, Lily, Narcissa, and Draco.
1. Abraxas and Voldemort

"I love you," Abraxas Malfoy often told his son.

It was almost funny how Abraxas Malfoy only spoke those words after he had struck or punished Lucius in some way.

It would have been funny if it had not been so painful.

But Abraxas always insisted that he was doing it for Lucius's own good. He just wanted his son to learn his lessons. He just wanted his son to be the best. What was so wrong with that?

* * *

><p>The Dark Lord had never told Lucius that he loved him, not even after he had hurt the young boy for some offense. Sometimes, the punishment was so severe that Lucius forget what he had been punished for in the first place.<p>

The Dark Lord reminded Lucius a lot of his father.

His father said that he loved him. So, why had the Dark Lord never spoken those same words?

* * *

><p>Lucius was alone one night with the Dark Lord. They were sitting together in Abraxas Malfoy's private study. Abraxas had decided that Lucius was old enough to speak alone with the great wizard.<p>

Lucius was eight-years-old, and he couldn't be prouder of himself. Surely there weren't many eight-year-olds that were old enough to speak alone with the Dark Lord.

"You have learned your lessons very well, Lucius," the Dark Lord remarked at one point.

"Thank you, my Lord."

The Dark Lord looked at Lucius with an expression that made the young boy feel very small and insignificant.

Lucius was used to this look. His father, after all, often looked at him the same way.

It was almost funny how similar Abraxas Malfoy and the Dark Lord were to each other.

The Dark Lord, however, had never told Lucius that he loved him. Not like Abraxas had.

"My Lord," Lucius spoke in a hesitant voice, surprised by his sudden boldness, "may I ask you a question?"

The Dark Lord looked surprised for a moment. There was also a trace of anger in his eyes. He was not used to anyone asking him any questions.

Lucius held his breath and tensed up, expecting to be hit with ether a curse or a fist at any moment. What had he been thinking? So much for being old enough to talk alone with the Dark Lord.

To Lucius's surprise and relief, however, there was no punishment. Instead, after a moment, the Dark Lord seemed to have composed himself.

"Certainly, Lucius," he finally spoke, "you may ask me a question. Your education is as important to me as it is to your father."

There it was again, the similarity between his father and the Dark Lord.

Lucius took a deep breath. He still couldn't believe that he was actually going to ask the Dark Lord this question.

But he had to ask it. His father had always said he was much too curious for his own good.

Lucius had received many punishments for his curiosity.

He should have learned his lesson by now.

But Lucius was still a curious boy. He just had to know the answers to his questions, despite the consequences.

"Do you love me?" Lucius blurted out.

The Dark Lord was speechless for several moments.

"What makes you ask such a question, Lucius?" The threat of danger was clear in the Dark Lord's voice.

"Well, I know that you and my father are very close," Lucius replied, "and he is always telling me that he loves me. I just thought you felt the same way. I apologize if I assumed wrong."

"Your father and I come from different backgrounds," the Dark Lord responded. "Your father may believe in love, but I don't. I think of love as nothing more than just some silly concept for the weak."

"But my father isn't weak," Lucius insisted, forgetting for a moment who he was speaking to.

The Dark Lord narrowed his eyes.

"Forgive me, my Lord," Lucius spoke quickly. "I'm sure you weren't trying to imply that my father is weak. You wouldn't have anything to do with him if he was weak. You're much too strong and powerful for that."

"Well spoken, Lucius," the Dark Lord breathed. "And no, I wasn't saying anything against your father. I know that his concept of love is different from how the weak describe it."

"My father's love is very painful," Lucius responded. "I can see why you wouldn't care much for love, my Lord."

The Dark Lord laughed. It was such an unusual sound for Lucius to hear, however, that it sent chills down his spine. There wasn't anything pleasant about the Dark Lord's laugh.

Just like there was never anything pleasant about Abraxas Malfoy's laugh.

"You are wise beyond your years, Lucius," the Dark Lord continued to laugh.

Then, he turned serious. "But never again mention _love_ to me. There is no such thing as love in the way that the weak view it. There is only power and pain. Power for those who are strong, and pain for those who are weak. That is what your father means when he says that he loves you, Lucius. The pain he gives you is for your own benefit. He doesn't want you to be weak. He wants you to be powerful. He wants what's best for you. You should be grateful that your father loves you in this way and not in the way that the weak show their love.

"Yes, my Lord," Lucius replied.

A part of the young boy, though, still believed that the Dark Lord loved him.

The Dark Lord often gave him pain, just like his father did. And like his father, the Dark Lord wanted him to learn his lessons so that he wouldn't be weak.

The Dark Lord was too much like his father to not love him.


	2. Severus and Lily

Lucius never understood Severus's affection for Lily Evans.

And Lucius really didn't like it when Severus said that he loved the girl.

In some ways, Lily reminded Lucius of his father and the Dark Lord.

Lily claimed to be Severus's friend. She claimed to care about him.

But she was always lecturing Severus on how wrong he was to be friends with wizards like Avery and Mulciber. She didn't understand how Severus could be friends with them.

Lily had never really understood Severus. In all fairness, though, Severus had never really understood Lily either.

They saw the world differently.

How could love be possible in such a situation? How could you possibly love someone you didn't really understand?

Did either Severus or Lily even understand what love meant?

No, they seemed to have different definitions of love.

* * *

><p>Lily had never told Severus that she loved him.<p>

It had always been clear that Severus loved Lily, so it would have made sense for Lily to love Severus as well.

But love and sense never went together.

Sense would tell a person to avoid anything that could possibly cause them pain.

Love, on the other hand, often led a person to nothing but pain.

Severus's love for Lily caused him nothing but pain in the end.

He may not have wanted pain, but pain was what he got.

But then again, maybe Lily did love Severus in her own special way. In fact, she loved him so much that she caused him the greatest pain imaginable by marrying his rival and then by having his rival's child.

Was Lily trying to make Severus stronger, just like Abraxas Malfoy and the Dark Lord had tried to make Lucius stronger whenever they had caused him pain? Well, if she was, it worked, just like it had worked with Lucius.

After Lily's marriage to James Potter, Severus became very good at hiding his emotions. In fact, most people described Severus as being as cold as ice and as hard as steel.

Many people described Lucius in the same exact way.

Abraxas Malfoy and the Dark Lord had been right. Pain really was meant to make people stronger, and that pain could only come from love.


	3. Narcissa

**Author's Note****: This takes place in Lucius's fifth year and Narcissa's fourth year.**

* * *

><p>"Thank you so much for coming with me to the Astronomy Tower," Narcissa told Lucius as they walked through the hallways of Hogwarts. "I really don't like going up there alone at night."<p>

"No problem," Lucius smiled. "Besides, I could use the extra study."

Narcissa made a sound that would have been a snort if it had been coming from another other young lady but her.

"And while we're on the subject of extra studying," Lucius said, "why do _you _need it anyways? You're wonderful in Astronomy. You're much better in it than I am. And I've heard that you're at the top of your class in that subject."

"Maybe I just wanted to help you out without damaging your precious ego," Narcissa smiled mischievously.

"I'm not that horrible at Astronomy," Lucius insisted, but he was grinning. He knew when Narcissa was just teasing with him.

"Okay, let's get all the facts straight," Narcissa said, struggling not to laugh. "I really don't need the extra study because I'm the best in my class. You really don't need the extra study because you don't need extra study in anything."

"Maybe we just wanted an excuse to be out together at night," Lucius concluded with a laugh, "but, of course, we couldn't tell our Housemates that."

"No, we wouldn't want them thinking that we actually love each other," Narcissa laughed back.

Lucius froze.

"Lucius, what's wrong?" Narcissa asked, her voice now filled with concern as she stopped as well.

"We don't love each other," Lucius breathed.

"Lucius, I think you mistook me," Narcissa replied. "I was just saying that we don't want others knowing that we love each other because no one would be able to understand that. We are Purebloods, after all. But I most definitely wasn't saying that I don't love you, because I do. I do love you. I love you a lot, in fact."

Narcissa then took Lucius's hand.

Lucius pulled his hand away as if he had been stung. He also sprang back several steps.

"Don't you ever say that again," he hissed.

"Say what?"

"That you love me. I don't want you to love me."

"Why not?"

"Because you've never hurt me before."

"I don't understand. What are you trying to say?"

"Just don't say you love me," Lucius said sharply. "Love only causes pain, and I know that you would never want to hurt me in any way."

"Of course not," Narcissa replied, completely baffled by the direction this conversation had taken.

"And I would never want to cause you any pain either, Narcissa," Lucius continued. "I care too much about you to ever do that."

"I thought that was what love meant," Narcissa responded.

"Purebloods and love don't go together," Lucius returned. "We both know that. Look, let's just forget about all this. We have a lot of studying to do. Our families expect us to get top grades, and we don't want to disappoint them."

Lucius then began to walk again.

He didn't offer Narcissa his hand like he usually did.


	4. Draco

"Daddy, why don't you ever tell me that you love me?" a six-year-old Draco asked innocently.

"What?" Lucius was taken by complete surprise by this question. "Why would you ask such a thing, Draco?"

"Mommy tells me that she loves me all the time," Draco replied.

"Well, I'm not your mommy. And don't you have everything that you need? You have food, clothes, toys, a nice warm bed to sleep in at night. What does all that tell you?"

Draco looked at his father for a long moment. Then, he said, "I still want to hear you say that you love me."

Lucius was at a complete loss of what to say. Narcissa was usually around to handle these types of tough situations. But Lucius had told Narcissa to go out for a while. He knew that Draco could be a handful, and he had figured that Narcissa would appreciate a little break from her son. Narcissa had given Lucius an appreciative smile before she had left.

"Actions speak louder than words, Draco," Lucius finally said.

"Maybe," Draco responded stubbornly, "but I still like hearing the words."

"You don't want me to love you," Lucius returned in a half-desperate voice.

"Why not?"

"Just drop it already, Draco," Lucius said in a voice that left no room for argument.

Draco knew when his father meant business. He instantly became silent, and he looked up at his father with some nervousness.

_Great, now he's scared of me_, Lucius thought. He didn't Draco to be scared of him. He just didn't want to hear the 'love' word again.

"I do care about you, Draco," Lucius spoke softly, in a voice that he hoped was soothing.

Draco looked at his father, but he didn't say anything.

"It's nice weather outside," Lucius remarked. "It's sunny but not too hot. Go get your new broomstick, Draco, and I'll go get the one that I usually use. We can fly around outside until your mother gets back home."

Draco's little face immediately brightened. "Mommy doesn't like it when I want to fly on my broomstick," he said excitingly. "She says it's dangerous."

"It can be dangerous if you're not careful," Lucius warned. "But I will teach you how to be careful."

"But we are going to have fun as well, right?" Draco asked impatiently.

"Of course," Lucius smiled. "But it's not much fun if you break a bone, so it's also important to know how to fly safely."

"I wouldn't want to break a bone," Draco admitted. "It sounds painful."

Lucius winced slightly, but Draco didn't notice in his youthful, innocent excitement.

"I'll go get my broomstick," Draco grinned. He then ran out of the room with obvious happiness in his steps.

"That's why I will never tell you that I love you, Draco," Lucius breathed. "Love is nothing but constant pain. And I would never want to cause you any pain. I would never want to be like my father."


	5. Actions, Not Words

**Author's Note: In my personal headcanon, Narcissa does not care much for broomsticks. She thinks they're dangerous.**

* * *

><p>"Draco told me about what happened today while I was gone," Narcissa said to Lucius as they were getting ready for bed.<p>

"Draco was never in any danger," Lucius responded. "You know how he likes to exaggerate."

"You two flying around on those deathtraps was not what I was referring to," Narcissa returned. "Draco told me all about that, but he also told me about how you refused to tell him that you loved him."

Lucius winced slightly. He had hoped that Draco would have forgotten about that. Apparently, though, his son had a better memory than he had given him credit for.

"I have told Draco many times not to bring that up with you because I knew it would upset you," Narcissa continued. "I have also told Draco that you love him very much, but you don't like to say it because you are fond of your 'tough dad' act."

"Is Draco mad at me?" Lucius sighed.

"No, of course not. He had a good time with you today. He was actually concerned that _you_ may be upset with _him_ because he had tried to make you break your 'tough dad' act."

"Well, I'm not upset with him," Lucius mumbled, "and I also had a good time with him today."

"Lucius," Narcissa spoke, "why are so against saying 'I love you?'"

"Haven't I shown you by all my actions that I care about both you and Draco?" Lucius returned.

"Yes, of course you have. I'm just worried about you, that's all. It's like you're scared of those words for some reason. Do you want to talk about it?"

Narcissa sounded so concerned that, for a moment, Lucius really considered telling her about how his father had always used to tell him those same exact words after he had received a beating.

But a stronger part of Lucius didn't want to bring up those painful memories. He had survived his childhood. That was all that mattered. Besides, he knew that Narcissa could not have possibly told him everything about herself and her feelings on every single matter. He knew that she kept her secrets just like he did, and he was just fine with that.

Some things were best left unspoken. Some things were just too painful to talk about.

"No," Lucius said, "there's nothing I want to talk about. Let's just go to bed. We've both had long days."


	6. Discussions and Revelations

**Author's Note****: This takes place soon after Voldemort's final defeat in **_**Deathly Hallows**_**.**

* * *

><p>Lucius opened Draco's bedroom door quietly, so that he wouldn't wake up his son if he was sleeping. Hopefully he was sleeping.<p>

Lucius felt rather than heard Narcissa join his side.

"I see you had to check on him too," Narcissa grinned.

"I'm afraid that I might be dreaming," Lucius admitted, "and that I'm going to wake up at any moment and discover that Draco had been killed during the battle."

"I feel the same way," Narcissa replied. She gently took Lucius's hand.

"Draco probably would have ended up being killed if it had not been for you," Lucius said.

"Don't you start blaming yourself again," Narcissa sighed. "It's not your fault. You had no more choice in the matter than Draco or I did. Both your father and the Dark Lord made sure that you wouldn't have any choice when you were just a little boy."

Lucius looked away from Narcissa.

"You should talk with Draco about it one day," Narcissa said. "I think it would help both of you."

"Maybe you're right, Narcissa," Lucius mumbled. "I don't think it's possible anyways for Draco to think any lesser of me than he already does."

"You have nothing to be ashamed of," Narcissa returned. "The only ones that should have been ashamed were your father and the Dark Lord."

"And they're both dead," Lucius said dully.

"But you are still alive," Narcissa responded. "You survived them, Lucius. You survived them both."

"And I guess I'm supposed to be proud of myself because of that," Lucius said sarcastically.

Lucius then saw Draco stirring in his bed.

"We should go before we wake Draco," Lucius said. He quietly closed the door. Freeing his hand from Narcissa's grasp, he began to make his way back towards their bedroom.

* * *

><p>Lucius crawled into the bed. Moments later, he felt Narcissa laying down next to him.<p>

"You're more wonderful than you give yourself credit for," Narcissa spoke.

"How so?"

"Throughout all this, you've always put me and Draco first. You took the beatings meant for all of us."

"Not all the time," Lucius replied. "I wasn't always able to keep you safe from the Dark Lord."

"That may be true," Narcissa admitted, "but it wasn't from a lack of trying. You definitely tried your best to protect me and Draco, and I love you for that."

Not those words again.

"Lucius," Narcissa spoke after several moments of silence, "I didn't mean to upset you by saying those words. I know how much you hate hearing them. I just forget myself for a moment because I'm so glad to have both you and Draco still with me. I'm sorry."

"Well, I wish I was the reason behind your gladness," Lucius drawled, "but I'm afraid I can't take any credit this time around. All the credit goes to you and _Potter_."

Lucius hated the idea of owing anything to Harry Potter.

"Lucius," Narcissa sighed.

"Just admit it, Narcissa," Lucius snapped, sitting up in the bed and turning his head so that he was looking at his wife. "You want me to say that 'I love you' because you want to remind me that I've done nothing but cause both you and Draco pain."

"What?" Narcissa's voice clearly reflected her confusion.

"I've caused you two nothing but pain," Lucius repeated, "so, yes, I, I love both of you. Are you happy now?"

"Lucius, I don't understand."

Lucius got out of the bed. He felt the tears in his eyes, tears of both anger and grief.

Narcissa got out of the bed as well and made her way to her husband's side.

Lucius turned his face so that Narcissa couldn't see that he was struggling not to cry. He really was grateful for his long hair, as it did a wonderful job hiding his face.

"Lucius," Narcissa spoke, "I'm not trying to torment you. That's the last thing I would ever want to do. What's really bothering you?"

Lucius shook his head. "Let's just go to bed," he said. "I'm tired, and you probably are to."

"No," Narcissa said firmly, "I've had enough of this. You're falling apart on me. Please, tell me what's wrong."

Narcissa drew closer to her husband. Even with all his hair in the way, she could still see his eyes.

She could also see the tears that were slowly trickling down his face.

"Lucius," Narcissa said softly, with obvious concern in her voice.

"My father," Lucius spoke, turning his head so that he was looking Narcissa straight in her eyes. For a moment, he forget all about his tears.

"My father," Lucius continued, "used to always tell me how much he loved me. It was always after he had punished me for one failure or another." Lucius paused for a moment to compose himself. "He told me he was hurting me for my own good. He told me that he just wanted me to learn my lessons and to be a good little Pureblood."

Lucius turned abruptly and walked back over to the bed. He sat down on it. He resisted the urge to try to wipe the tears off his face. The damage had already been done. Narcissa had seen the tears. She had seen his weakness.

Narcissa remained where she was.

"Narcissa," Lucius spoke, "I'm so sorry that you were forced to marry someone as pathetic as me."

Narcissa walked over to Lucius and sat down beside him.

"Lucius," she spoke softly, wrapping her arm around his waist and pulling him close to her, "you know I don't think you're pathetic. Why didn't you tell me about your father sooner? I would have understood. I would not have thought less of you."

"Why do you love me, Narcissa?" Lucius asked. "It is clear that we view love differently."

"Because you complete me," Narcissa answered. "You've gotten me through a lot of tough times. You've always been able to make me feel wonderful, even when I had felt like I was nothing. You've always been there to support me. That's what love is, Lucius. It has nothing to do with pain. Your father was just a monster, a twisted, evil monster. Don't let his words affect you anymore. You're better than him. You always have been. I just wish you were able to realize that."

Lucius leaned his head on Narcissa's shoulder. He didn't say anything.

Narcissa pulled him even closer to her.

"I know that it's going to take more than just one single night to make everything better," Narcissa spoke, "but I know that we're going to get through this, Lucius. We've survived too much to not get through this."


End file.
